I recently Hit A Wall

Not physically you understand but mentally, I didn’t see it coming (although I kept imagining myself as a fly desperately bashing himself against the window trying to get out…so that probably was a sign!) I thought I was in control but it turns out I wasn’t….I was spinning too many plates and suddenly they all came crashing down.

I don’t want this to be a poor me speech but burnout is a real thing, it’s life telling you to slow down so I want this to be a warning to others who are juggling so many things that they sometimes forget to breathe. People who work from the moment they wake up, looking at their laptops in bed in the mornings feeling like they are hitting the ground running to get ahead of the game and stay up late preparing for the next day, people who have lost the clarity between work and recreation, people who are constantly checking numbers so much so their mental state is governed by…. how many likes….how many subscribers….how many views….how many steps….how many comments…how many followers they have this week. Incidentally all these elements make me cringe I’ve never been good at numbers, or very popular and I definitely don’t see myself as a leader so having to monitor these things over so many years does nothing for my self esteem.

The feeling of failing and negative self talk are constant bedfellows in my brain and they become louder when I drink too much or if I’m tired. I’ve been overwhelmed before but I think as I’m getting older my mental health is becoming more fragile and this time it felt like my thoughts were stuck in a downward spiral of despair and the walls were closing in. So I had to stop.

Now I can’t help thinking the seasons have a lot to do with it, I’m not a summer kind of person (I hate being hot and sweaty) I like change, I am happiest in the in-between seasons autumn and spring when the constant hot or cold spell comes to an end. We’ve just had the hottest summer which felt like it went on for way too long, it was too hot to sit in the garden, we boarded up the windows, shut the doors and curtains, plants died, fires broke out and hosepipes were banned and then finally with a glorious stormy downpour it ended and I changed gear and got off the rollercoaster.

I wanted to become someone different, I needed to get rid of all the clutter in my mind and all around me so I cleansed of my studio and my life, I’m cutting down on the alcohol, I’ve had a sale and tidied up my ever growing painting stock in my loft (reminding myself that these are artworks that haven’t ‘yet’ found their true homes and not a marker of how bad I am at selling) and removed any artwork that taunts me from my sight…I don’t know why but I suddenly had a great hatred for my art and my art style.

Now I’m letting myself play with different mediums and paint whatever I feel like painting and I’m trying hard not to think about whether or not it will sell because that completely destroys the joy of exploring. I am enjoying the rain and looking for jumpers on Vinted. The clearing our cupboards and moving things around even writing this blog has felt cathartic and so like a Phoenix rising from the flames I am feeling stronger, more relaxed and looking forward to what the next chapter will bring.

So dear reader if you’re feeling overwhelmed look out for the signs, give yourself a bit of love and get off the ride for a while and embrace the change and know that you are not alone.

Take care x